Anxiety and Relationships

Before I get into the actual topic of today's blog I want to do some quick "shop talk", which basically just means I am going to quickly going to talk to you about some blog updates. I am still trying to get into a pattern of blogging more. Obviously, you can tell that I really don't blog all that much.  I am trying to but I am honestly so lazy and I keep just saying I will do it later. My goal for tomorrow is to beginning writing a little bit everyday. This way I am blogging each week. After my last couple of blog posts I do want to say that I am doing okay. I am trying my best to heal, grow, and be happy.  All in all I truly am happy. I have a job that I love, a boyfriend that I am crazy in love with, and of course my amazing family. The only thing I feel like I am missing is a solid group of friends I am doing my best to try and change that however.

Now, with all that being said let's do this and talk about anxiety and relationships. Relationships are freaking hard enough without also throwing anxiety into the middle of it. Can I get an amen? I mean it sucks. You're already navigating so much in a relationship when you also have to navigate anxiety it's like the world wants you to fail and then some. I am lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who does his best to always understand when I am anxiety and to help me pull myself out of it.

Now I wish that I could say that I had all the answers but honestly Kyle and I are still navigating through my anxiety on a day to day basis. BUT I NEED TO SAY THIS! If you have anxiety find yourself a person who is willing to come beside you and build you up when you are anxious, hold you when you cry, and just be there in those moments when your head is screaming at you telling you that you are not enough, that you cannot do it, that you are going to fuck it all up, whatever it is that your head tells you. I found that in Kyle, it took some failed attempts but I finally found my person who reminds me that I am so much more than my anxiety. I am going to try to give you some advice of what I try to do when maintaining my relationships and my anxiety. If you are single, this still applies. I know for me my anxiety still affects my friendships.

1. FOCUS ON THE NOW, DON’T DWELL ON PAST RELATIONSHIPS.

I think that honestly this is my biggest problem. I worry about getting hurt based on things that have happened to me in the past not things that are happening now. I get so far in my head that I spiral. My head always tells me well so and so hurt you like this maybe Kyle will also and it really goes on and on. In those moments when I am most in my head I remind myself that Kyle is not those other guys he shows me that day in and day out. Remind yourself that all people are different and that no one person is the same, so just because something happened in a previous relationship doesn’t mean that it will happen again. It all is just a daily struggle. I have to constantly remind myself that this relationship is different, that it is not like any of my past relationships. When I am focusing on the now, I am a whole lot less anxious.

2. DON’T TRY TO MAKE YOUR PARTNER FIX YOUR ANXIETY.

Something that I am really bad about is wanting other people to “fix” me when in reality I need to be the one to “fix” myself. When I say I “fix” I really mean get a handle on and maintain. If I am totally honest I believe that anxiety is not something that can be fixed but instead it is something that can be maintained and functioned with. However, your partner cannot get you there. You have to get yourself that. Kyle helps me through my anxiety so much but I don’t ever expect him to take on the burden or to maintain my stress for me, that is not his job and it also leads me to my next point.

3. THINK ABOUT HOW YOUR ANXIETY AFFECTS YOUR PARTNER.

I know that sometimes you cannot always control your anxiety but think about how it affects your partner before you completely react. I know that for me I often have to remind myself to step back and ask if I am also making Kyle anxious and see if I can focus my anxiety on myself instead of him or us. Meaning can I avoid bringing my anxiety to him. Sometimes I cannot and that is okay. Your partner wants to be there for you. They want to help you through these things. You just need to make sure that you are not putting to much pressure on them and that you are worrying about their feelings as much as yours. I am not perfect at this. I am constantly working on how to better maintain my anxiety so it is not putting too much pressure on him. It is honestly a balance and he and I are still working it out together.

4. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

My goodness communication is so damn important in any relationship, but especially when you throw anxiety into the mix. Communicate with your partner what your anxiety triggers are, tell them when you are feeling anxious. Share with them ways to help you when you get anxious, and of course tell them when you need to self care and allow yourself to do that and not feel guilty. Along the lines of communication do not over communicate. I know that sounds weird, but I struggle with that. I need to talk things out right away whereas Kyle sometimes needs to step back take a pause to think and figure out how to best communicate, or he gets called away but it makes me so damn anxious when we don’t fix a problem right away I am still currently working on figuring out how to take a step back with him and think how best can we communicate our needs, our fears, our solutions, etc. When you take a pause just make sure that you always come back to it. Don’t ever not communicate.

5. BE OPEN AND HONEST WITH EVERYTHING.

Has hard as it may be, be open with your anxiety. Don’t keep anything from your partner just don’t overwhelm them or put too much pressure on them. Just tell them how you feel and try and move on. This way they know how you are feeling but they don’t feel like they need to “fix” you. Don’t hide your anxieties from your partner though you want to make sure that they are included because it can be really damaging to them if they feel like you are hiding things from them. Also NEVER keep your anxiety from a future partner they will find out and it is better to be honest from the start rather than them finding out after your panic attack or anxiety episode.

Like I have said I am not perfect, Kyle and I are not perfect but we are trying. We always fight for us, each other and of course ourselves. We love deeply and we fight for this relationship to work and it does. We are currently in the middle of trying to move in together so I will keep you posted and let you know what happens. As always ask me anything or suggest blog topics. Thank you for reading and I love you all.